Monkey Business
I’m Nick Jones of Urban Urban Magazine based in London, the
premier electronic dance music (EDM) magazine. In a previous life, I was an
internationally touring DJ, considered by some to have been one of the top 3
EDM DJs in the world. Now retired, I serve as the technology editor for Urban
Urban. I search for and research the
latest innovations in music technology.
Several months ago I received an email from a Dr. Heinz Sinnreich, a
German research scientist. He indicated that he’d developed something that
would revolutionize pop music. He invited me to his lab to witness this
development in action. He was vague and
evasive, and a research scientist involved in music innovation was an odd
occurrence, but my curiosity was piqued.
I caught a cab and gave the driver the address Sinnreich had
provided. The driver gave me a strange look, but proceeded to drive me to an
industrial area an hour east of London. As he pulled into an alley next to an
ambulance I asked “Man, are you sure this is the right place” He replied
ominously “Yes, sir. I’ve been here before.”
As I entered the building strange things began. A man was
being wheeled out to the ambulance with a guitar in his hand. As he lifted his
head he seemed to stare right through me. Continuing down the hall, I passed
nurses and doctors in lab coats carrying more instruments. Something different
was definitely going on here. I entered a room off the hall where several
doctors were convening. “Hey I’m looking for Dr. Sinnreich. I’m Nick Jones.”
Dr. Sinnreich introduced himself and the other doctors exited the room.
We moved to Dr. Sinnreich’s office, where his tall, blonde
assistant joined us. A stuffed monkey was seated next to my chair and a quick
glance around the room informed me that monkeys were probably going to be the
central theme of this quacks research. He began detailing for me his innovation,
known as “Monktronika.” I was done with this visit almost instantly, teaching
animals to play instruments is nothing new and is no innovation at all. Sensing
my lack of interest and disdain the doctor quickly asked me for 10 more minutes
of my time to allow him to provide me a demonstration.
I was led down a makeshift hallway that resembled a gerbil’s
habit trail, which ended in a protective box. When I asked why this was
necessary they abruptly replied “It’s protocol.” The demonstration began.
Whatever I expected, this was definitely not it. The “Monktronika” musicians
were no ordinary monkeys. I wasn’t sure what the hell they were. It took me a moment to get past my
astonishment, but I soon realized that these monkeys had faces that were eerily
human. The music was truly amazing, but what the hell had these people done?
What had they created? The Monktronica musicians were spinning records, playing
keyboards, strumming guitars and most bizarre, their humanesq faces were
singing vocals! This was definitely an amazing accomplishment for both science
and music. I must admit I got quite caught up in experience.
This elation did not last long. Things suddenly took a
terrible turn. The monktronica band became highly agitated and began destroying
their instruments. Before I could react they had descended upon my protective,
habit trail box. Monkey paws were ripping at the box and punching through the
plastic. I looked for an escape and ran back down the habit trail hallway
looking for an exit. The first double doors I came upon were locked. Turned,
ran the other direction. I next stumbled upon a lab with an experiment in
progress. A man and a monkey were seated
side by side. My eyes were immediately drawn to the metal helmets both were
wearing. The helmets were connected to one another via electric cables. I now
knew what was going on. I stumbled around the room trying to figure out what to
do and how this was happening. The monkey growled and gnashed his teeth at me.
There were scientific flow charts indicating the process of this horrible
experiment. A man in a lab coat who was running this process was in possession
of my bag, which I had left in Dr. Sinnreich’s office. He was sorting through
my possessions. There was a picture of me posted nearby and next to it… a photo
of a monkey. They wanted my brain! I had to get out of there. I grabbed my bag
from the clutches of the lab coated man and jumped through a window like
opening landing on my hand and knees. Looking down at me in this next room were
4 human men, but they had clearly ape like features and faces. As I scrambled
to leave Dr. Sinnreich approached from the hallway with a dog on a leash, only
this dog also had a human face melted on to his canine body. The last thing I remember as my human self
was huddling at the end of that hallway.
Have you figured it out?
I am currently writing the essay at the behest of Dr.
Sinnreich, for evidently, I am his greatest achievement! This would also explain my new, quite hairy
appendage! A TAIL!!!
“What a wonderfully
unexpected day. We had our third yard sale this season. We meaning Jason and I.
Ruby graced us with her attendance this time around. We had a pretty successful
day if I say so myself. Other than the incident we had with the the darn thief
that took her phone without permission and well did not return it either.Moving
on to the evening Jason had a paper that was due for class and Ruby being so
eager to show her scholastic skills offered to help and even volunteered Spud
since the paper had to do with music interpretation. I thought the paper above
was extremely entertaining and thoroughly enjoyed watching the three off them fight
off mosquitos, exchange shots of whisky and keep the thought process moving
forward. Hey and after all the fun, Jason managed to score an A-. June 2012“
