Very Disappointed… Heavy on my mind and deep in my heart….Written 06/2011
Sometimes no matter how bad you want it to be, there comes a time when you have to come to terms with the facts of what it really is. People have no issues showing you who they really are. The problem is that we have a hard time just believing what they show us. We make justifications and allow them excuses to help us to be okay with who they really are. I mainly write this entry as a reminder for myself. I may be good at putting people in certain categories, but I am even better at forgetting, forgiving and allowing one more try to hope for a change.
I remember at some point in high school I wanted to make sure and keep all the despicable letters my mother would write to me, so that when I would find myself giving her another chance I could read those to remind me that she has always shown me who she really is and just because she gave birth to me does not make her a mom. The hurt from my father is deep and unfortunately I don't have anything tangible to hold on to, so that I can be reminded. I can feel better for writing this and have it to look back on.
It was May 16th and a couple of weeks after my father's birthday. Over my life I have given him endless chances to try and be a “Dad”. Every time he manages to betray, lie, hide or just disrespect and disappoint me. This was going to be his last time I tried with him. I had been giving him and our relationship all I could. I had worked so hard on his birthday present. I was so proud of it and couldn't wait to give it to him. The feeling probably equates to a kid bringing home the artwork project that they made in school. I just knew he was going to be ecstatic once he opened it. I even took extra care in the wrapping I used. I couldn't wait to see the smile on his face.
He is a truck driver, so sometimes it is hard to sync up our schedules and visits. I am more than used to this since it has been my entire life of when I may or may not get to see him. We had been talking back and forth for weeks to try and figure out just the right day. We finally had it all squared away. I made plans accordingly. This is probably one of the first birthdays I can remember celebrating with my dad, getting him a gift and being happy about it.
He had finally separated from crazy ex wife number three, so we could have a relationship again. No, he did not separate from her for me; they just separated cause of other reasons. I was just knew since they were not together anymore that we could now talk again. We have been talking almost daily for months. I had even taken J over to meet him. Actually, we had been over to his place a couple of times. We were helping him with his computer. Gosh, I almost put together a plan to buy him one even though I do not even have one. HA, I laugh at how dumb I can be sometimes.
Then it happens and he calls me the morning of our visit to cancel on me. Evidentially his other child and ex-wife are coming up for a visit. The other part being the people that have been so incredible mean to me that I have been done with giving them another chance long ago. The other part was a part that my father was not supposed to be a part of, but now all of a sudden after 25 years he is going to be. Needless to say I was just a little hurt. I am a firm believer that it is important to protect yourself or your children first. If you do not who else will?
I always swore if my father was around more growing up that I would be a daddy's girl. If I was anything like either one of my parents it was him. I was certain I was nothing like the woman who called herself my mother.You should always forgive, but maybe not so forgetting. Remember what brought you to that place you did not want to be and make sure it does not happen again. I know I will and am proud of myself for making sure. It is hard when you do not have anyone in your life that has no parents or such crappy ones because they cannot relate to what you are going through at all. They cannot understand how you do not forgive and forget. To them it is your parents and your family. You should all love one another, always no matter. I have to fight to stay true to what I know is real and this is a sad day, but it was real and needs to be around for me to always remember.
I had to question if I should refer to him as my father or just by his name. I decided to look up the definition of father to make that decision for me. I suppose per the definition he is my father. A father is defined as a male parent of any type of offspring.[1] The adjective "paternal" refers to father, parallel to "maternal" for mother. The verb "to father" means to procreate or to sire a child from which also derives the gerund "fathering".
Saturday April 7th, 2012 my Dad sends me a text that says I miss you all the time with a blinking heart. This is almost a year later. He has tried to contact me several times throughout the year, but I have declined to reply. I wonder what it is about Saturday that made me do so. I remember that I had this blog, but never posted it. I read it again and well it did not really help. What would you do?
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